An Idiot’s Guide to Facebook Etiquette

Facebook can be quite confusing for the uninitiated. “Like” buttons, status updates, poking! It’s just too much for some people. Luckily help is at hand. Just follow this almost helpful Idiot’s Guide to Facebook Etiquette and soon you too will be interacting with “friends”  you’ve never even spoken to.

Update your status often

Status updates are a very important way of interacting with all the fabulous folks on Facebook. Nosy people the world over really want to know what’s going on with their friends, acquaintances, old classmates, that guy who delivers their pizza and fabricated people set up by mentally unstable stalkers, so make sure you update your status, often. Your Facebook friends will love you for it.

This is especially encouraged if the majority of your updates are about your pet cat Marbles, how great or terrible your partner is and how very, very wild or hungover you are.

An Idiot's Guide to Facebook Etiquette

“God, I think I’m dying… is that computer on?”

Always rite in txt tlk

There is nothing, NOTHING, more annoying than being able to understand the meaning of a sentence instantly. We all love a good riddle and what better way to procrastinate in between bouts of masturbation and drunkenness than trying to figure out what your Facebook friends are going on about. Take this genuine Facebook status as an example: “seen the greatest sport of all time on oops tv fukin mountin top golf whos up for it.” It’s a tough one, isn’t it? Still that satisfaction you get when you finally figure out the meaning of the sentence really can’t be beat.

If it’s not written in virtually unintelligible gibberish, let’s just all agree to have nothing to do with it. After all, when has proper use of the English language ever made anyone popular? Never, that’s when.

Tell Facebook exactly how you’re feeling

Sometimes it’s nice to think of Facebook as a psychiatrist’s couch, just without all those pesky fees or qualified feedback. You can just pour you’re feelings out there, vent all the anger and frustration that’s been building up over the previous two to three minutes and know that Facebook can definitely take it. If you’ve recently fallen out with a friend, take to their page and tell them — and everyone else you both know — how much of an ass they are. If you’ve recently discovered that your girlfriend is cheating on you, reinforce how emasculated you’re feeling by telling Facebook it was with your best friend. If you’ve had a terrible day let the world know by adding the acronym FML to the end of your latest status update. Especially if you’re merely overreacting to a really mundane issue.

An Idiot's Guide to Facebook Etiquette

“I missed Antiques Roadshow, again, FML”

If a girl adds you, play it cool

Remember that girl you met at that party last month? She’s the sister of the woman with the congenital heart defect? Yeah? Well, guess who just sent you a friend request? The first thing you need to know here is, she definitely wants to have sex with you. As long as you don’t screw things up.

What you have to do is play things nice and cool. You don’t want to accept her request immediately. Wait a couple of days. It’ll make her want you even more. And when you do accept the request, let her make the first move. If she doesn’t contact you after a week, send her a message, but nothing too polite or mannerly — you don’t want to scare her away. Say something like “do I know you?” and if she responds:  “No, sorry, I thought you were somebody else”, you know you’ve definitely scored.

An Idiot's Guide to Facebook Etiquette

There’s nothing like a tall, dark and mysterious stranger off the internet

When you write something funny, make sure the world sees it

There is nothing like coming up with a hilariously witty comment on someone’s status. You type it up with a big daft grin on your face. re-read it again while trying not to laugh, post it and then sit there waiting for a response.Well, don’t just sit there waiting for them to discover how awesome you are, Facebook etiquette practically begs you to send the person a private message letting them know all about your clever comment. If the person still doesn’t reply, just keep sending them messages until they do, because when they see just how brilliantly clever you are they’ll definitely thank you. Sincerely. That or they’ll be shamed into de-friending you because they’re not nearly as wonderful as you are.

2 thoughts on “An Idiot’s Guide to Facebook Etiquette

  1. Pingback: How to Be a Great Internet Troll | Self Help 102

  2. Pingback: How to Lose Weight Without Giving Up Chocolate | Self Help 102

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