Oh moving; it sucks, doesn’t it? There’s nothing like having to bag up all your possessions, shift them somewhere else and unpack it all again to make you feel like your life amounts to nothing more than a series of randomly sized boxes. There’s the debt-making financial costs involved, the landlord whose smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes and the new flatmate who likes to keep fish heads in the fridge and listen to Rammstein at 4am while masturbating violently.
There are a lot of potential pratfalls when moving, so in this handy self-help guide you’ll find a few things you can do to make moving flat as simple as simple can be.
Ignore your new contract/tenancy agreement
Contracts are, after all, just binding agreements between two parties enforceable by law, so it’s best not to take them too seriously. Anyway, who has time to read all those words? So, simply ignore all the references to “criminal damage” “additional charges” and “legalised bondage” and just get on with the important business: checking which housemate gets the top drawer in the freezer.
Getting a copy of what you’ve just signed is also just going to use up valuable clutter space already reserved for bank statements from the nineties, used batteries and wires that you no longer have any use for.
Assume your deposit won’t be returned
Getting your deposit back at the end of the tenancy is always a worry when you move into a new apartment, unless you’re moving out for the first time, or are exorbitantly wealthy. a lot of people believe landlords are scum-sucking succubi who would rather flay sick kittens than let go of one extra cent; so it’s best to assume you’ve just paid with monopoly money and give it up for lost. Sure, you might have a lovely landlord, who you get on great with, but that doesn’t mean they’ll give you your deposit back, or even that you deserve it back. When it comes to time to pay up your landlord will go all quiet and getting through to them will be about as easy as getting tax returns from a Republican.
Instead enjoy your last night in your old place by destroying everything in it that ever pissed you off, safe in the knowledge that your security deposit will cover all the damage. That leaky tap that kept you awake at night? Gone. The kitchen door that just wouldn’t close? Now it never will. Anything that actually might be worth something: microwaves, ovens, washing machines, can all be sold to the highest bidder — or the guy with the van who will pay you in small change or whiskey.
Of course, the problem then is that you might not be able to actually afford to move into your new house and that creates its own problems: like how do you pay your new deposit? Well, that brings us to point number three.
When moving flat always pack light
One of the biggest problems with moving is the whole having to move stuff. You can just about move yourself and probably the clothes on your back, after that it becomes a hopeless chore almost as bad as seeing old people kiss.
So, really when it comes down to it, what do you actually need to bring to your new place? Yourself, a spare pair of clothes, and a wallet/handbag. If you really want to get fancy about it, throw in a toothbrush and some deodorant; anything else — food, furniture, your earthly possessions — is superfluous. So make some much needed extra cash by everything you own. Your back and Buddha will thank you for it.
Trust the word of the your new landlord implicitly
When wondering what your new flatmates are like? Is the rat infestation just seasonal? Or what the person per junkie-prostitute in the area is? It’s best to trust the word of your new landlord. They know the area, the house and have absolutely no good reason to lie to you, except financial ones. But you don’t want to be that person, do you? The one who believes that humanity are just a bunch of farting capitalists happy to rape their own mother for a few extra pennies.
After all isn’t it better to live virtually penniless, in a tin shed with no heating, electricity or hope; a bathroom as filthy as an Armando Iannucci TV show and an area about as welcoming as a Syrian battlefield than believe that humanity is inherently selfish and unable to provide even the most basic accommodation for its most uncritical of tenants?