An Idiot’s Guide to Facebook Etiquette — Part II

As discussed previously (in An Idiot’s Guide to Facebook Etiquette) the world of Facebook is a terrifying place; especially for those unused to social networking or scared of white-space. We’ve already guided you through the basics in Part I, now it’s time to take things a step further and discuss Facebook and self-promotion, chain-status updates and the always heart-warming world of frape.

“Like” posts, especially when the news is depressing

People love to be liked and, — for mainly alliterative purposes — like to be loved. The clever monkeys at Facebook are well aware of this and so invented the Facebook Like button to help make us all feel wonderful, or terrible if a recent update we’ve posted has gotten *gasp* zero likes. So remember, when someone posts something — no matter the content — be sure to like it or, even better, comment on it; especially if the post is personal and the person is practically a stranger.

You see, on Facebook there is absolutely no difference between good and bad, discretion and thoughtlessness or statuses like: “Great news! My dad got the all clear!!!” or “My cat Buster was crushed by a tractor :( “; they both deserve to be liked even if your actions might potentially be misinterpreted as confirmation that you are actually a dick.

Facebook Etiquette

Or enjoy crushing kittens

Post chain-status updates, especially those concerning privacy

If you are new to the world of Facebook, you’ll pretty quickly realise how big a deal privacy is. It’s really big; Giant Haystacks big. Your wall feed will be inundated with people saying stuff like: “Warning – to any person and/or institution and/or Agency of any governmental structure including the United States Federal Government using or monitoring this website, you do NOT have my permission to utilize my profile information, including, but not limited to my photo… yadda yadda, privacy, yadda, basic liberties, conspiracy, etc.”

You see the US government, multi-national corporations and paedophile rings have nothing better to do than take pics from your photo album, monitor your profile page and surreptitiously steal your film, TV and music preferences (because you are just that interesting). So when you a chain post pops up in your timeline, particularly one about privacy, you better share it, share it like you share your relationship status, drunken pictures of yourself and friends, or friends of friends, and the potential list of fathers of your unborn child.

Facebook status update

When fraping someone, you have to be clever

OK, fraping is a big deal on Facebook. It is short for Facebook rape and just like the real thing, will leave you feeling violated and exposed. It should also always involve penis. Facebook has been going for quite a while now, so people have seen plenty of really, really clever frapes in that time. When a fraping chance presents itself, you better make sure that what you write is original and hilarious. Preferably both.

So here’s a tip that’s sure to go over well with people the world over: casually mention that the person you are fraping is gay… even if they are not! Better yet, mention how much they love penis because not only is it shocking, writing the letters C.O.C.K. online instantly makes that sentence 84 percent more hilarious; 0 percent of the time.

Post pictures of your food

There are a whole host of things your followers will want to know your feelings about: current political events, reality TV shows and how much you love kittens.

Facebook Etiquette

Another thing that interests the online community is  what you are about to eat and how aesthetically pleasing and delicious it is. There is nothing going to rub someone up the wrong way than not showing them a picture of your delicious biscotti, especially if there is a half-empty wine glass next to it. Facebook etiquette insists you post pictures of everything about to pass through your gastrointestinal tract. Anything that might remind us that the reconstituted pig scabs we are currently struggling to digest is not, in fact, the pinnacle of culinary experience is sure to be figuratively applauded… if literally frowned upon.

Constantly self-promote

If there is one thing the world loves, it’s advertisements. On TV, billboards and inside toilets, ads are everywhere, so when someone posts a Facebook update with the line: “Hey, check out my new song/blog/dildo catalogue” friends are going to love it.

After all, we all need things and, God knows, it’s just so hard to find the right kind of things we need. So if you have stuff of indeterminate quality to sell us, then it would be positively negligent of you not to do so. And just in case all of your friends haven’t seen it, make sure to post it again; definitely within the same week, day or hour as the last update and perhaps with an increasingly disingenuous apology for doing so at the start of each post.

For the original (and still best) Facebook Etiquette guide cast your eye box across the below link – you should also click on it : An Idiot’s Guide to Facebook Etiquette

One thought on “An Idiot’s Guide to Facebook Etiquette — Part II

  1. Pingback: How to Be a Great Internet Troll | Self Help 102

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