At this time of year, people love lists: top 10 lists, end of year lists, best of list lists. Here at 102 we believe in originality, in that we are almost certain it exists. We also believe in lists, lists that help people improve their miserable existence, while also reminding them of their miserable existence. So without further padding here is how to avoid suffering a mid-turkey tantrum and have the perfect Christmas.
All you have to do is…
Talk to fewer people
Most people are terrified of having their Christmas ruined by other people. Relatives, consumers and work mates can all conspire to make your Jesusday about as life-affirming as a trip to an Afghani stoning. Really it’s best to limit your conversations to as few people as possible.
Christmas parties, especially work related soirees, are always going to be trouble, as staid, lugubrious wage slaves dance away their office blues while insist on engaging you in conversation about how much they love muffins. First, you should avoid eye contact as much as possible. If people still insist on talking in your direction, try to bring the conversation around to how much you love sadomasochistic Bavarian porn. If this doesn’t work it might be time to whip out the Christmas jumper.
With a picture of Jimmy Saville on it.
Avoid Christmas TV and Christmas songs
The only thing worse than having to talk to people you would rather see shot out of a car exhaust is having to watch television with a seasonal twist. A tedious mix of monarchs and sentimental hogwash; watching end of year lists, repeats and Christmas specials is about as much fun as being stabbed to death with a spoon. So it’s best to simply avoid Christmas TV as much as possible.
That doesn’t mean you have to avoid all TV of course, just anything with the merest hint of a jingled bell. So, when the Queen is lubing up her vocal chords for her annual speech, you should probably feast your eyes on Ingmar Bergman’s Seventh Seal. Nothing says Christmas like some philosophical Swedish musings on life, death, existentialism and chess.
When it comes to music, Instead of Bing Crosby wrap your ear holes around some Alice in Chains or maybe Van Morrison’s fungtastic Ring Worm.
Lower people’s expectations
It’s important that people don’t expect much from the Christmas holidays, so the best way to guarantee a terrific festive season is just to disappoint people on a regular basis until they no longer associate Christmas with joy and reindeer.
When kids are acting up and you tell them: “if you don’t behave you’ll get a lump of coal for Christmas” actually go through with it. When your significant other hints at a present make sure you get a cheap knock off. And over Christmas dinner when the redolent mix of casual racism and methane becomes too much, clear the table by calling everyone fat kiddie fiddlers.
After that 2013 Christmas 2013 is bound to be at least a marginal improvement.
If all else fails… dance
If insults and Alice in Chains don’t make for a perfect holiday then you might have to actively try to get into the Christmas spirit. After all, smiling creepily like a priest at a playground is an important part of every holiday season.
And if you must go down this route, you can’t do it half-heatedly. It’s not enough to intermittently be in the mood, you’ve got to love Christmas, love it till you weep turkey baste and fart Christmas carols. This jollity can’t just stop when it seems inappropriate either, it has to be 24/7 and if someone else doesn’t seem to be enjoying the season quite as much as you, well, you better get them going. Shake that widower into life, turn that cancer sufferer’s frown upside down, dance that crippled relatives blues away.
Of course, it would be impossible for everyone to have a first-class Christmas but at the very least with these simple steps you can ensure you do, because if there’s one thing that should never be part of the holiday season it’s putting other people’s enjoyment before your own.