Also to keep abreast of everything in the past, present and present world of Useless Quotes, check out the archive, it features approximately 12 commas.

And all from the once-in-a-weekend price of 789 cents!

OPTION 1: The Shoes

For less than 800 cents take the pauper’s option and we will send you a pair of black designer brogues, especially created to go with everything. Whether you are wearing slimline chinos or slim-fitting beachwear, these babies will make you look as slick as a greased up waterslide. The moccasins are actually modelled on the feet of Sean Connery and the seminal trumpeting of Miles Davis.

With just a touch of Morgan Freeman’s vocal chords

It should go without saying but when you wear this tasty twosome, heads will definitely turn, some even for you. Of course, while the shoes make the outfit, they also need the right outfit and while you can just stop here at Option 1 if you really want to fancify your clothes-box you should definitely pay that tiny $1.5m extra and move on to Option 2.

OPTION 2: The Suit

Take up Option two and not only will you receive a suit so incredible it actually wears itself, we will throw in a shoelace, comb and toothpick as well! — don’t let rouge broccoli ruin your evening ever again. The Suit (which we have been advised by our marketing department to only speak of in broad general terms) comes with but both a trousers and a stunning suit jacket, designed to look like something someone with charisma would own. It was made by the same semen used to produce James Dean and the design was approved by both Jon Hamm and Debbie Harry’s aunt.

Production was supervised by Seventies-era Stevie Wonder

The Suit, once worn with the Shoes, are sure to woo any woman within an eight-day radius. It is everything you need really, in fact Option 3 is really only for people who are rich, have money to spend and want to have sex with supermodels.

So what are you waiting for? The Suit is a totally original, completely one-of-a-kind bargain, available at the once-in-a-lifetime price of four ha’penny and 39 cents. So buy it now, while stocks last.

OPTION 3: The Deluxe Package

We’re not going to lie: availing of Option 3 will make you the most well-dressed man in the world. No question. Sure it might be a little costly but what price can you put on looking remarkably cool? Of course, the idea of cool is an abstract notion which differs depending on the place, time and person so normally you can’t, but in this case, it’s $9.3m. When you consider that Option 3 includes both Option 1 AND 2, all the benefits of Option 3, PLUS (and yes we know we’re being too generous here, but, we just love helping people with troubling self-esteem issues) a silver, hand-held nail clippers and an incredibly comfy pair of cotton feet warmers, it seems like only an idiot wouldn’t want to spend that tiny, insignificant amount extra to purchase the guaranteed to work*, extras-filled, Deluxe Package Option 3.

The Deluxe Package includes these comfy cotton feet warmers

So what’s stopping you? Email selfhelp102@hotmail.com now and for a small fee we will get you dressed in no time.

*All guarantees are guaranteed non-guarantees. 

Check out the Useless Quotes archive for more from the world of sentences.

All you have to do is…

Seem busy, especially if you’re not busy

Popular people are generally too busy to actually do things with anyone; although oddly they are always doing something with somebody. So make sure if someone calls you that it seems like you are having an incredible time at a truly frubtacular party… even if the background noise is just a confusing mixture of your TV and Bon Jovi records.

Don’t tell the person on the phone where you supposedly are, whose party it is or give away any actual details. For starters it might compromise the integrity of your story, also you need people to feel that it’s a super-secret party purely for VIPPs, or very important popular people, not just regular run-of-the-mill popular people. This will inspire both jealously and suspicion, which is perfect because one you’ve piqued the world’s interest, the next step becomes that much easier.

Be at least eight steps ahead of every trend

To be properly fashionable you must keep on top of trends; in fact you have to be so on top of oncoming trends that they are quickly begging for mercy. So turn your nose up at louche gimmicks like people wearing clothes or listening to music or those with visible hairstyles.

Also people who are bald. Especially people who are bald.

Pretty soon everyone will realise the error of their sartorial ways and start copying you. At this point it’s definitely time to update your everything. Once you have maintained this level of trend-setting for at least a six-month period people will realise that you are so cutting edge you’re a danger to small children.

And you’re not legally allowed board commercial flights

It’s all well and fabulous appearing to have loads of places to go but the world must know that the places you are going to are filled with fantastic people. So casually drop into conversations with fellow students, workmates or sex shop assistants that your plans for the evening involve meeting up with your best friend James: a male model PhD student who counts Bill Gates among his best friends.

And worst enemies

Whenever you are asked about your weekend, reluctantly reveal that you were at your good friend Sarah’s: the dolphin conservationist who keeps exotic birds and has built the world’s greatest dinghy. Or maybe you were with your oldest buddy Rog-Rog who works undercover for the CIA while maintaining a highly successful job as a wedding planner. Then there’s your mate Carl the colonic irrigationist whose customers include Richard III and Sooty.

Oh and don’t forget to mention your darling buddy Chloë — who you might once have a fling with — the Oxfam campaigner who occasionally moonlights as a Middle Eastern oil baron. Not to mention Clarence, an avuncular angel who once prevent beloved bank clerk George Bailey committing suicide. Or Charlie, the football boot who scored the winning goal in four successive World Cup Finals. And, of course, lovely Louise who accurately predicted forthcoming Wednesdays three weeks in a row and once gave birth to a group of hyper intelligent kittens.

With an address book like that who wouldn’t want to hang out with you?

Never be yourself

Most people aren’t very cool. Most people definitely don’t think they are cool. Most people like walking around their house in their underwear eating stale Pringles and listening to UB40 records. Most people are emotional and easily offended. Most people don’t mind eating doughnuts that have fallen on the floor. Most people prefer not to spend a large percentage of their income on a haircut. Most people aren’t insecure enough to desire the attention of everyone in the room at all times.

Most people are bad dancers. Most people like to sing in the shower. Most people make funny noises when they eat. Most people don’t always wear matching socks. Most people get things stuck in their teeth. Most people don’t know the difference between a trilby and a fedora.  Most people don’t look good with a hangover. Most people only wear glasses when medically required to do so. Most people perspire. Most people want to be more popular.

You are probably most people… and here’s the thing, if you aren’t like most people, people probably won’t like you.

Unless you are different, then they definitely won’t like you

The solution is to be a completely homogenous human with a distinct individualist streak and never be yourself, also appear completely natural. Simple.

So, before things heat up again, remember that to win an argument you must always…

Shout

Calmness and logic just won’t cut it when it comes to the average verbal scuffle. Sure you might have plenty of facts to back up your belief that the earth is round but do you have exclamation marks!!! Upper case speaking wins any war, especially international ones.

Like the time Churchill out-shouted Hitler

OK, so the keen-eyed might notice that screaming, “EVERYONE KNOWS CATERPILLARS ARE MADE FROM FAIRY WINGS AND  ELEPHANTS’ TEARS!! might not make any sense, but most people will be too impressed by your decibel level to note the ridiculousness of your argument. And for those that do try to point out the holes in your argument there’s always a way around it, like being…

Arrogant

Wilting wallflowers aren’t going to win a strident squabble any time soon. Not now, not never. You’ve got to float like a Lincoln, sting like butterfly and dance like an arachnid.  Saying things, even if they are completely untrue, (especially if they are completely untrue) in an excessively confident manner will make your ridiculous reasoning seem 18 percent less specious. It will also irritate your sparring partner to such an extent that his or her head might actually explode.

Or at the very least steam should shoot out of their ears

Of course, not everyone can be self-assured in front of all the people all of the time but it is important that you at least try to fake it. Not looking people in the eye and shifting uncomfortably is a good start but nothing says “confident” more than bulging eyes, pulsing neck veins and repeating the same argument over and over again.

Ignore facts and logic

If you want to get bogged down in silly abstractions like “facts” and “logic” then your chances of winning an argument are pretty slim: Victoria Beckham slim. If facts and logic were really worth anything, then organized religion, stamp collecting and Dexter would have been consigned to the dustbin of redundancy long, long ago.

The dustbin of redundancy.
Not pictured, the saucepan of obscurity

The truth is facts and logic are about as worthless as a square dildo. To win any argument you must speak in broad general terms, giving neither facts, examples or any idea what you are actually talking about. That way no one can ever accuse you of being wrong.

Never admit defeat

Of course if someone does manage to force you down the arguing cul-de-sac of clarity, then you’ll just have to pull out the big guns, the two words that every feuding partner hates to hear: “prove it”. When evidence is presented it is crucial you refuse to acknowledge defeat, sense or the clear flaws in your argument.

For instance:

“You call that a hat?! Looks more like a head jumper to me.”

“Lipstick on my collar? That’s not a collar, it’s a neck belt.”

“Oh, I said I was going to clean the house while you were at work? Does that sound like something I’d say. I’ve never even heard of this “house” you speak of and definitely don’t know what “work” is; anyway, my arms are merely decorative.”

If someone does get you in a really tight corner, and lies, shouting and hubris won’t weasel your way out of it, there’s only one thing to do: play dumb. When trying to prove how smart you are there is simply no substitute for pretend idiocy. So simply claim, through the medium of sign language, to be a deaf-mute. You will have to hold out for a while though, let the frustration build, until your opponent is so annoyed he or she is happy to admit that, yes, coal is an excellent replacement for toothpaste.

As well as a great Christmas present

Most quarrels aren’t won by people with truth, justice and Batman on their side, they’re won by people who refuse to admit defeat even when defeat has their head in a guillotine and their arse in a furnace. When it comes to arguing the simplest solution is probably just to out-asshole your opponent.

Check out the Useless Quotes archive while stocks last.

The trick is to…

Not skip breakfast

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, you really shouldn’t miss it as it will leave you burning for a food fix. As the day goes on and your innards start eating themselves, you’ll probably just end up chewing your own nose hairs to satiate your cravings.

They taste great with honey

No one talks about, lunch, brunch, elevenses, dinner, second dinner, tea or supper as being crucial to a balanced healthy diet but you’re damned to a life of bingo wings and heart transplants if you miss your morning meal. Eating breakfast gives you more energy, keeps you full for longer and provides you with the power to see through windows. In fact, eating breakfast is so damn important, it’s probably best if you try and include some element of breakfast in every meal.

So, spice up your casserole with some Cheerio’s, add muesli to your bacon and sprinkle some greatness on your frittatas with half a bowl of Frosties. Pretty soon your skinny jeans will be pregnancy pants and your pregnancy pants can be donated as shelter to a small orphanage.

Chew more

Apparently the more we chew our food the easier it is for our body to digest it. The going rate is 50 chews per swallow. If you are not sure how to chew your food, that’s exactly what eHow are there for, because chewing is as tough as titanium. Of course that much mouth movement does sound a touch intimidating. Exercise is important but being that rigorous with your food turns a meal into a mountain and a mouthful into a challenge.

Still it is important your food gets properly digested. So maybe get your blender, significant other or dog in on the action to soften your food for you beforehand. Once it has been mushed into a nice semi-digested paste all you have to do is swallow.

Never eat more than you can fit in your palm

Of course there has to be some limitations on what you eat. Not that these limitations have to extend to the content of your food, just its size. You can definitely eat anything you want, as long as you make it fun size.

Everything is more fun when it’s tiny. Everything

As nutritionists, dietitians and good housekeeping magazines say, you should never eat more food than you can fit in your palm at one sitting. At first this might not seem like enough food to feed a whole person, half a person or a tiny cricket but the trick is to get creative. Crush that cheesecake; melt that Milkybar and blend that battered burger. Pretty soon you will have a perfectly healthy feast fit for a king, which sits snugly inside your fist.

Exercise when asleep

There is nothing more irritating than moving. Working up a sweat, lifting your knees, breathing, it’s about as much fun as watching Dawson’s Creek with the sound on. So the trick is to do all that exercise when you are not aware you are doing it, when you are asleep. Now some of you will be thinking that’s impossible, but not with the new patented, sleepy-dreamy-snoozy-run machine.

OK, so the machine hasn’t been invented yet but there are plenty of ways of working up a sweat while asleep. You could turn your heating up really high, sleep on top of a radiator or teach yourself to sleep-walk. Better yet, sleep-run.

Come morning time you’ll look healthier, have dropped weight and will almost certainly need a shower. And a proper night’s sleep.

Treat yourself

If you try to starve yourself seven-days a-week, without ever allowing yourself an occasional treat, then you’re eventually going to snap and lose control quicker than a diabetic at a chocolate factory.

It is positively negligent not to reward yourself every now and then, especially if you have been particularly healthy that day and completed over 3/11’s of Call of Duty: Black Ops.

Or successfully thrown paper into a bin from a small distance

So don’t feel guilty about nibbling on that nacho, chewing that cheeseburger or eating a family sized portion of chicken wings, after all you are doing great.

Take the easy option out

Eating loads of cereal, chewing more and exercising while asleep will definitely help you lose weight. It does sound like a lot of hard work though. And really who wants to go to all that effort of chewing and sitting up?

If you don’t want to use that much energy then it might be time to take a shortcut, the easy option, the time-honoured tradition that involves little effort, no diet change and allows for constant sitting and snacking: complaining. It might not actually make you lose weight or improve your health, self-esteem or social life but it sure beats doing stuff.

For more helpful guides to negotiating the perilous pratfalls of modern life, check out:
Festival Fitness in Just 4 Days
An Idiot’s Guide to Facebook Etiquette

All you have to do is…

Destroy friends’ self-esteem

When trying to get people to do exactly what you want, it’s important you choose the right people. For instance, if you criticise someone who might fight back and who isn’t drowning in a tuna can of self-hatred, you might come off as powerless as a soggy laptop.

And about half as useful

So it’s crucial you pick on the right people. Antagonise the apologetic, berate the bashful, criticise the cautious, deride the disconcerted, eviscerate the embarrassed, humble the hesitant, fight the fearful and insult the shy but never pick on someone your own size. There are other ways to get around people who have the right amount of confidence and assertiveness. Things like…

Pretending to have a terminal illness

A quick and easy way to gain friends and influence people with at least a semblance of empathy is to pretend to have a serious illness. Now you can’t just get out of bed one morning and pretend to be paraplegic or blind, you’ll be figured out as soon as you open your eyelids. No, it’s best to fake a completely invisible illness that no one knows anything about. In fact, better yet, just invent your own disease.

If you are looking less than your energetic self and someone asks: what’s wrong? Just tell them you are suffering from terminal Minestrone disease and you have, at best, six months to live. You should probably write-up a brief Wikipedia page, with your horrible, if externally invisible, symptoms: forked liver syndrome, brain cheese and the always horrendous kidney pallor.

You also now taste great with some Parmesan

When your six months sentence is up, proclaim it a miracle that you survived or, perhaps fake your own death, and Lazarus-like wake up at your own funeral. You can claim to be the new Christ. In fact, to save time, it might just be best to…

Invent your own religion

Starting your own religion is the quickest way to get yourself a sycophantic posse* — who will not only hang on your every word, but fight to the death about what those words actually mean. You get to name your position (Master of the Universe is taken but how about Supreme Tea-Maker of the Divine Galaxy), get to invent your own set of moral and ethical principles, create a cool blood-soaked back story and, if things really go well, rule over a war-thorn theocracy for a while, with maybe a harem or two thrown in for good measure.

What’s the worst that could happen?

*This also works if you want to avoid paying tax or going to prison for raping children.

Smile

If pretending your are terminally ill, belittling those weaker than you and inventing and installing yourself head of your own religion doesn’t help you influence friends and win people then there is only one thing left to do: smile. Smiling more always makes people like you. Like drug dealing or juggling fire, smiling is sure to attract a steady stream of people to your general area. You can never really do it enough either. Funerals, the end of Toy Story 3, when giving sweets to a stranger’s kid, there is never a moment when smiling doesn’t bring happiness and joy to all.

In fact, smiling has been known to cure illness, heal scabrous wounds and give eyesight back to the deaf. It even resurrected Robert Downey Jr’s career.

It didn’t quite work for Chris Tucker though

For more advice on how to negotiate the perilous rapids of contemporary existence read:
The Stress-Free Way to Move Flat
How to Get your Dream Job

Set yourself realistic targets

Most people want to lose weight, quit cigarettes or find a job that doesn’t make them want to poke their eyes out with a pencil. In reality it’s best just to set simple goals when it comes to New Year’s resolutions. Or better yet, just have one totally achievable objective. After all you are doing great, buddy.

Instead of promising to lose two stone and find a husband by midday, perhaps you could solemnly swear never to talk to Nazis in newsagents on Tuesdays. Or promise to quit eating imaginary watermelons. Or maybe resolve never to drive through the ocean wearing a sombrero.

Cowboy hats are fine though

If you can limit your resolution to a fast approaching date or a particular time frame, even better. For instance, you could decide not to steal Persian cats from Italians before Valentine’s Day or never smoke bagpipes in a kimono on February 8.

Remember change is a process

Change is a process. It doesn’t just happen overnight. Sometimes it can take years or even lifetimes of reincarnation to finally be who you want to be. So don’t expect it to happen with the click of your fingers or a twitch of your nose.

Unless you are secretly a witch

To remind yourself how difficult this process of change is going to be, keep telling yourself that what you are doing is inherently pointless and you don’t expect anything good to happen soon. In fact, it’s best to keep reminding yourself that you are a worthless human being with more hope of choking to death on curdled milk than losing 1lb by Easter.

Some days it will seem hard to maintain such a disciplined level of self-criticism and you will feel like quitting, just remember perseverance is key. This brings us to our next point.

Don’t give up

Perseverance is the oxygen in the hot air balloon that allows the basket of your accomplishments  to soar free above the pallid countryside of your failures.

So, turn the frown of failure into the smile of success. Scour the scourge of negativity. Sour the milk of human decay. Overthrow the dictator of defeat. Burst the abscess of apathy.  Sow the hole of idleness. Correct the error of misadventure. Avenge the rout of defeat. Throw away the wrapper of frustration. Burn the hamster of ambivalence. Water the roots of proficiency. Ascend the staircase of commitment. Lower the draw bridge of accomplishment. Cherish the sandal of celebration. Drink the fruit juice of jubilation. Button the trousers of triumph and replace the straight jacket of shame with the sport coat of achievement.

The sport coat of achievement is available in a range of styles and colours

Read as many self-help guides as possible

Given that just eight per cent of people actually follow through with their New Year’s resolutions, it’s best to read as many self-help guides as you can. Guides like this one (well done, buddy). Guides filled with inspiring phrases, wonderfully unspecific advice and brilliantly written pieces of English. OK so some people might say that these guides merely exploit the inherent weakness of the human mind for financial gain. But those people are quitters.

How else can you reach the fullness of your potential without some stranger giving you vague patronising advice on how to get there? You can’t of course. It’s scientifically impossible.

Just ask this guy

Also visit the Useless Quotes archive, while stocks last.