Useless Quotes — May 2013

So it’s May, at least it was when this was written, it might not be anymore. In fact it’s probably not May and almost certainly not May 2013 and never will be again, unless, of course, time is cyclical.

Anyway, here are some more inspirational quotes, intermittently funny quotes and generally useless ones.

Check out the archive: Useless Quotes

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Useless Quotes — April 2013

OK, it’s April and that can only mean one thing (it’s April!) also here are some more worthlessly inspiration useless proverbs, to help get you through the long lonely days of the year’s cruelest month.

Also to keep abreast of everything in the past, present and present world of Useless Quotes, check out the archive, it features approximately 12 commas.

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102 Exclusive: The Dress Smart Package

Are you a man who wants to dress smart but just doesn’t know where to start? Do you know your sports coat from your dashiki? Do you have the creative flair of a capricious mountain lion? Or a broken tulip? If so,102 is here to help. Chose from one of the following options and in no time at all you can look as louche as a Lincoln and as well dressed as a salad.

And all from the once-in-a-weekend price of 789 cents!

OPTION 1: The Shoes

For less than 800 cents take the pauper’s option and we will send you a pair of black designer brogues, especially created to go with everything. Whether you are wearing slimline chinos or slim-fitting beachwear, these babies will make you look as slick as a greased up waterslide. The moccasins are actually modelled on the feet of Sean Connery and the seminal trumpeting of Miles Davis.

Dress Smart

With just a touch of Morgan Freeman’s vocal chords

It should go without saying but when you wear this tasty twosome, heads will definitely turn, some even for you. Of course, while the shoes make the outfit, they also need the right outfit and while you can just stop here at Option 1 if you really want to fancify your clothes-box you should definitely pay that tiny $1.5m extra and move on to Option 2.

OPTION 2: The Suit

Take up Option two and not only will you receive a suit so incredible it actually wears itself, we will throw in a shoelace, comb and toothpick as well! — don’t let rouge broccoli ruin your evening ever again. The Suit (which we have been advised by our marketing department to only speak of in broad general terms) comes with but both a trousers and a stunning suit jacket, designed to look like something someone with charisma would own. It was made by the same semen used to produce James Dean and the design was approved by both Jon Hamm and Debbie Harry’s aunt.

Dress Smart

Production was supervised by Seventies-era Stevie Wonder

The Suit, once worn with the Shoes, are sure to woo any woman within an eight-day radius. It is everything you need really, in fact Option 3 is really only for people who are rich, have money to spend and want to have sex with supermodels.

So what are you waiting for? The Suit is a totally original, completely one-of-a-kind bargain, available at the once-in-a-lifetime price of four ha’penny and 39 cents. So buy it now, while stocks last.

OPTION 3: The Deluxe Package

We’re not going to lie: availing of Option 3 will make you the most well-dressed man in the world. No question. Sure it might be a little costly but what price can you put on looking remarkably cool? Of course, the idea of cool is an abstract notion which differs depending on the place, time and person so normally you can’t, but in this case, it’s $9.3m. When you consider that Option 3 includes both Option 1 AND 2, all the benefits of Option 3, PLUS (and yes we know we’re being too generous here, but, we just love helping people with troubling self-esteem issues) a silver, hand-held nail clippers and an incredibly comfy pair of cotton feet warmers, it seems like only an idiot wouldn’t want to spend that tiny, insignificant amount extra to purchase the guaranteed to work*, extras-filled, Deluxe Package Option 3.

Dress Smart

The Deluxe Package includes these comfy cotton feet warmers

So what’s stopping you? Email now and for a small fee we will get you dressed in no time.

*All guarantees are guaranteed non-guarantees. 

Useless Quotes — March 2013

Some March flavoured quotations to feast your screen-top on. We’ve reached the heady heights of the simpering 20s, and you know what that means… absolutely nothing.

Check out the Useless Quotes archive for more from the world of sentences.

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How to Convince the World You Are Popular

Most people want popularity. From the outside popularity must seem like one long social orgasm: endless party invitations, beautiful friends, free stuff. Of course not everyone can be popular; it would become impossible to differentiate between the cool kids and those who get a nose bleed when they accidentally glimpse some boob. If you can’t crack the popular clique though, you can always pretend. And luckily we are here to offer you some handy advice on how to seem like the coolest primate at the party, even if you’re not.

All you have to do is… Continue reading

How to Win an Argument

When engaged in an argument with someone it is best to plan ahead. You can’t go from placid to furious in the blink of a rat’s eyelids and expect to able to be handle yourself in a rumpus. You’ve got to know your enemy, know what they are thinking, what they are going to say before they’ve even thought it and you must definitely follow the following rules. If you don’t and your fellow firebrand doesn’t either, you’ll probably be arguing until the stars turn into jellybeans.

So, before things heat up again, remember that to win an argument you must always… Continue reading

Useless Quotes — February 2013

It’s time for another batch of absorbingly concise and often unintentionally hilarious motivational quotes. This month’s are almost certainly the worst Useless Quotes yet. So sit back (for about 23 seconds) and enjoy at least one more instalment of quotes designed to make cats love oysters. Or something like that.

Check out the Useless Quotes archive while stocks last. Continue reading

How to Lose Weight Without Giving Up Chocolate

A lot of us aren’t too happy with our body size. Doctors, dietitians and skinny people will tell you that all you need to do to lose weight is to eat healthier and exercise more. But us fatties know it is much more complicated than that. Anyway why should we have to eat less? If they can put a hamburger on the moon, why can’t we live on a diet of Mars bars and high fructose corn syrup? We can eat whatever we want and still lose weight.

The trick is to… Continue reading